He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
