I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How does one acquire holy water?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
