Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
