hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish there were birth control emojis
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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