after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
