I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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