The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
