Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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