pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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