I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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