i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
