broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
