There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
