She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
