I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
