At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
