my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize