if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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