Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
