If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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