I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
