I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
