Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think your dad took our porno
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
