Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
