Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
