Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
