two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
