we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
