Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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