I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
