I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
