I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
my god I love twenty year old dicks
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
