I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
