remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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