Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
