i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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