im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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