just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
