I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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