Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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