Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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