So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
