the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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