I am spending my child support on dildos
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
