walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
