i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
