After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
