your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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