My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
