I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize