We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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