she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
