We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it's great music for shaving your balls
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
