listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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