I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
handjob tips. give me some.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
