My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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