so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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