I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Drake has all the answers
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
