3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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