I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
