You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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