My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
