Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
