at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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