I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
