If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
