I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
