My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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