Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
