at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
