Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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